The Diaries of An Incarcerated Teen

The “C” Word

faoiltiama — Thu, 06 Mar 2008 01:48:44 +0000

That’s right my fellows. The unmentionable “c” word: college. I get asked a question refering to it a lot now and days. Especially since I’ve got one more year of school left. “Sending in you applications?” No. “Got one picked out?” NO. “Whatcha going to major in?” What the heck is a major anyways????

But I don’t tell people this. I tell them I’m going to a local college, major in English and become a journalist or English teacher. Okay, so yea I wouldn’t mind doing that. But O Mi Gah I just want to rest after I graduate.

Yet their is this feeling inside me, this universal pull that maybe I’m meant to do someting great. Ever felt that? Like you’re going to change the world. Go on snicker.

But one night you’ll look up into the stars and watch each individual diamond glitter. You’ll inhale then exhale amazed that your breath lingers in a fog above your head. Then you’ll ask some Supreme Being to guide you. You’ll ask what is it you’re supposed to do with your life. The things is, you won’t get an answer.

You can pour your heart out into those glinting balls of gas and you won’t get a single reply. Because as all good Supreme Being’s do, they expect you to find the answer within yourself.

And thats so dang difficult.

While you’re screaming out to the heavens you might feel that tug. The little spirit that says to you, “Hey. Aren’t you ment to change the world? Or heck, least give it a shot?”

You can’t be all cocky about answering. You’ve gotta think it through.

I don’t have an answer. I know I want a husband. A family. Kids. Pets. The whole nine yards. Not yet! lol But later. Its what comes before all of that that I have no clue.

So, the “c” word…. Is it what I want? What I need to be satisfied? And if it isn’t, who will I be letting down if I fail to attend?

It wasn’t an argument

faoiltiama — Thu, 06 Mar 2008 01:25:05 +0000

It was one of those nights. I cried and he got upset too.

I asked him to always be open and honest with me and boy did I get it. He claims that I ignore him alot when it comes to this other guy, who for anonymity’s sake we shall call Geoff. He says I’ll have a conversation with Geoff and then suddenly look over and ask if he’s okay. Which apparently angers my bear. I tried to explain I never start the conversations to begin with but because I am human I’ll continue them. I also tried to explain that I don’t just tune him out…and I also took the liberty in pointing out that if he believes that’s true than he is just as guilty as I in ignoring the other.

He called me hypocritical. He said that I had asked him to be open and he was only telling me what he felt. Here I was attacking him and defending myself he said. He didn’t understand why I was being so defensive. Why? Because I figured it was an attack on my character. I thought he was insinuating that I would rather have Geoff. I defended because his words were hammers pounding at me. The question I find myself asking is “Was I being hypocritical?”.

But what tore me up so completely was when he said I was purposly making him feel guilty. I must admit that what I was doing was telling him that everything he was blaming on me could be just as equally blamed on him. But no I was not trying to make him feel like the quote “King of Jerks”. I digress. What he said that brought the tears pouring down was: “You do that so well. You know I love you so much and that you’ve got me wrapped around your little finger. You know just how to make me feel guilty.” I’m not ashamed to admit that I cried. He basically told me that I was using his love for me to hurt him. And in my heart of hearts I could never, never use someones feelings against them.

Long uninteresting story short we decided it wasn’t an argument. Becasue this hurt worse than any argument we’ve ever had. It was just constant yabbering back and forth.

He says I made him feel like a jerk. I silently say he made me feel like my feelings were worthless. We apologized. Though they seemed hollow and sincere at the same time. He promised to never do that again. I’ve just added an extra layer to the wall to take it the next time he does. IF he does.

Sharing You

faoiltiama — Tue, 19 Feb 2008 02:10:17 +0000

I used to be so friggin closed off. I gave what only was needed. I never gave more than I had to. Not even to my friends. Well save a small few. One I met over the net on a writing site and Anna, who is like a sister to me.

On the outside I had an upbeat perky personality with a contradicting morbid sense of humor. But on the inside I used to hurt sometimes. Thats some deep stuff to tell total strangers who might be reading this. To answer a few unspoken questions: No I never went emo or cutter or suicidal. I just went into me.

I went to the place where I could be slightly safe and away. I went where all my thoughts and stresses could be compiled and seperated. You grow when you delve deep inside. You find hidden strengths and obvious weaknesses. You also find a way to build a wall that absorbs the blows. Most of all you find the person that you have the ability to become. (Deep right?)

I was so used to being quote “alone” when I had huge issues. I was so used to figuring them out by myself. And I was so tired of letting people into my heart when all they were going to do was rip it to shreds. Or worse. Leave me to be alone again.

As humans we crave other people. We hunger for interaction and conversation. And what is horrible is that I figured I could live without that. It works until you find someone to stir up that craving. Then they leave which forces you to cage it again. (Wow…let me know if this is waaaaaayyyy too deep.)

But then along comes this guy. Dustin. And he loves me immensly. Which I’ll admit is scary sometimes. lol. What’s even scarier is that we’ve been dating five months. That means I have to share myself with him. I shouldn’t say “have to”. I want to most of the time. Sometimes I revert to crawling within myself.

Point being: I’m not used to this. I’m not used to sharing my feelings or knowing that my opinion counts.

He does it so effortlessly, just lets me in. I’m not there yet. What I want is to not have to say things and have a quiet understanding. But that’s a dream. Relationships don’t work like that.

Once or twice he’s mentioned that I should open up more and I don’t know how to explain to him that maybe there are times when I just do not know how. I still try.

Its scary though. Sharing yourself with someone. Especially when they’re close to you. Because one day that might use what you’ve shared against you. OR they might tear you all to pieces.

Bless the goofball for having a bit of patience. lol

V-Day

faoiltiama — Fri, 15 Feb 2008 01:44:18 +0000

Happy Love Day

Apparently yesterday was National Depression Awareness day. Least that’s what I was told. But you know I would think today would be N.D.A day. Considering its Valentine’s.

Oh, I’ve got a Valentine. My adoring boyfriend. But there’s still plenty of people who don’t have anyone. (I myself have gone a whole 16 years without. )And all I want to say to that is: “You don’t need another person to make you happy. You are loved by people. They may not neccerarily love you in the romantic sense but they love you non the less.”

Now. You know this is the first year I’ll have someone to spend Valentine’s Day with someone. Except I’m not spending it with him right now. I’m at home. Blogging.

My parents as of late have installed an unreasonable rule: I can only go out with my boyfriend twice a week. I know, that makes me a big loser doesn’t? -sighs- But there’s not much I can do about it.

Raise up and fight them? Well my friends I believe that’s another blog. Back to what I was saying.

So yea, this is the first time I’ve ever had an actual Valentine. And he got me this lovely promise ring. And he’s making this big fuss about it. I’ve never had anyone care about me like this before and its a new thing. A new exciting thing. And I’m smiling as we speak.

First Timer

faoiltiama — Thu, 14 Feb 2008 01:13:00 +0000

So here I am, writing. Blogging. For the first time ever might I add. And I wonder if people actually read these things or if I’m just talking into thin air.

But I don’t think that honestly matters. I think we begin to blog for the sheer purpose of having the ability to spout our thoughts out into the air. Out into the web.

I wanna blog because I need an outlet. Lord knows I need an outlet.

So yea. This will be my outlet for my ramblings. YAY!